What is Perfectionism?

Let me tell you a story… growing as up as kid in a small farm town in Illinois… everything in my reality was centered around playing sports, being successful at it, and being afraid to fail, because if i failed, that meant i’m a loser. Where as if I succeed, i’m a winner.

So my entire reality was based around the concept that I had to be successful to be good enough, to be worthy, to be recognized… and my entire life I felt like wasn’t good enough, or that there was always someone else I had to live up to. And it was like I couldn’t just be me, because I needed to be like someone else instead to get the approval of my family.

This was certaintly an unconscious thing for both me and my family, but from my point of view, I was constantly being compared to either my dad, my older brother, my twin brother, or another player on a sports team who was older than me, perhaps better looking, or had more success than me, and I always felt like I had to get there level, and I always felt like I NEEDED it for me to be good enough in the eyes of my parents, especially my dad.

So getting into high school back in 2012 after watching my older brother succeed in basketball, baseball, and football, going all-conference in all 3, I was looking to fill in his footsteps, and not only live up to what he succeeded in, but also perhaps overachieve what he did, that way in the eyes of my family, especially my dad, I would be the best.

But there was also always this guilt inside that if I were the best to my standards or my dads, that it would make my older brother look bad, my twin brother look bad, or my dad look bad… So part of me unconsciously played worse and didn’t live up to my potential in sports because I didn’t want my other family members or teammates to look bad, being a people pleaser.

It seemed like i was too busy worrying about people liking me, approving of me, scoring enough points to get the praise and recognition of my family, and grandparents too, that I spent so much extra time in the gym, and working outside to get better, so I could finally feel good enough.

It was like the more I worked out, the more i shot around in the gym, the more I really cared if I succeeded. Because I put SO MUCH work in, way more work than everyone else on my team… so I felt ENTITLED to success, that I deserved it more… then I would watch teammates perhaps out perform me, and part of me would be jealous, bc they didn’t work as hard as me, and I should have gotten the spotlight they did.

This had me feeling so bad about myself at times, because I wanted so badly to be the best, and feel good about myself… Now mind you, this was mostly an unconscious thing, I wasn’t aware of this at all at the time, and from the outside looking in, it may have not appeared that way, but deep down I knew I could have performed WAY better, and been the best player, all-state, gone D1, maybe pro, etc…

Alot of people probably think that… truth is… they are probably right… I beleieve we all CAN do anything… but we also don’t ALL live up to what we can do… and what’s the measurement anyway? Why is my mind programmed like this? It was the way I was raised…

So for months and months, and perhaps a year or two after awakening to the truth of who I am, and going through shadow work, I began to judge, analyze myself, and avoid being at my family’s house, not wanting to face my fears, face my trauma, afraid of what might happen if I finally be myself, afraid that if I’m fully me and my family doesn’t accept me, then I will be humiliated and my entire self worth will be destroyed.

After about a year of the cycle of traveling around the country, sleeping on couches, going back to my parents house for a week or two, getting my own place for a while, going back and forth, something kept bringing me back to my hometown… I didn’t understand what… I was so annoyed, judging the idea of me going back to my parents, and partially afraid of being myself because my whole life feeling like I needed to mold myself to fit into the belief systems of my mom and dad to get the approval and validation that I really wanted.

This led me on the journey within and helped me find emotional freedom and self-acceptance, where now I feel I can be more truly authentic around my family and around basically any person, seeing that everyone are just our mirrors, our reflections. I have been learning to love and accept my parents no matter where they are in their own evolution, and see where they are coming from, and no longer judge, criticize or try to change the way they think.

Learning about my parents childhood as given me a lot of insight of why they are the way they are and also why I was raised the way I was raised. I began to realize that many if not all of the beliefs we grew up having on autopilot, came from our childhood home, the programming of tv, school, and other major systems on the planet.

So going through an awakening, experiencing my power to create and manifest my reality, it made me realize we can do anything, we are infinite potential, so WHY are we programmed into fear, and why does everyone keep trying to put their limiting beliefs on me?

I realized that I was still judging a part of myself that held limiting beliefs and fear, so began attracting my mirror reflections, or karmic relationships who held the same beliefs. These mirrors, karmics, tend to be very triggering, but can help us through our ascension process and we clear our the residue trauma that can sometime block our true authentic self to shine through.

this is my ted talk for today. lol :) hope you enjoyed :)